I live in a stupidly cute, stupidly small apartment building downtown.  It’s a 100 year old hotel which used to be a whore house.  So the history is part of its charm, I’m not going to lie.  Age, hotel and whore house to me implied sound proofing.  And for the most part, this was true.

Hello horny, young, unattractive 3rd floor couple and open window syndrome!  It has always been, or at least since the start era of when you could download good porn from the privacy of your own home, that ONLY attractive, professional, paid adult actors should provide any type of porn – watched or heard.

Listening to average, everyday people, who you wouldn’t have sex with, copulating audibly is just… gross.  It’s probably too late to declare that I’m not a prude, but really, I’m not.  I just like my sex private, or professional.

So, here are some tips for you would-be apartment porn stars – intentional or not:  no one wants to hear it.  So please shut the hell up.  I recommend closing your window.  Or turn up your tv/radio.  Be responsible for yourself.  Be responsible for your sex-life and don’t embarrass yourself – especially if you aren’t smoking hot – by forcing your neighbors into your sex life.  Particularly when you are in the throws and you have quite possibly the most unerotic, unsexy gasps or exclamations this side of a Warren Buffett orgy.