The doughnut is pretty much the evil genius of the processed food kingdom. It undermines diets, creates potent deposits of stubborn fat, all clad in an innocent and provocative shell. It’s genius is it’s ever changing facade, morphing into any shape or design that almost no one can deny – unlike, say a cucumber – where no matter how it’s cut or presented, it’s still a cucumber.

The doughnut’s mad alchemy lab is Voodoo Doughnuts. Plotting, frying, icing, seducing it’s way into my breakfast. My rejected banana is looking sad and healthy. “How could you do that to me?”

During those times when your willpower is at it’s peak, the doughnut will patiently wait until you are vulnerable. Not that it has to wait long.

How can there be raw foodists and vegans with the invention of the doughnut? What are these people made of? Vegetation as a diet. I assume they’re made at the same farm equipment companies like John Deere and Caterpillar – chains saws, woodchippers, threshers and bailers – tools that manage vegetation.

Then again, how can there be raw foodists, and vegans with bacon running around all sweet, crispy and breakfast-whorish.